Labour agile ceremonies? What is this drivel?

What in the ever loving chuff are Agile ceremonies? Unelected, unratified acting General Secretary of the Labour Party David Evans has taken inspiration from a Thick Of It script by the sounds of this. What a pile of drivel! In his strategic plans unveiled to Labour staff this week, some of whom it won’t matter to anyway when around a quarter of them now face the axe, somehow have to make sense of this in order to succeed. All this, because of the financial mismanagement of the Labour Party under Starmer & Evans tenure. What happened to just making popular policies?

Agile ceremonies, I had a vision of a vicar in gym gear when I first heard it, athletic weddings perhaps? Maybe its Starmer, Evans, the right wing frontbench and certain members of the NEC dancing in a circle and chanting around a cauldron? Is this how they resurrect the legacy of Blair perhaps? Sounds a bit cultish.

But no, apparently it’s the new way of working for those surviving the cut at Labour HQ.

David Evans idea of leadership is to tell the remaining staff they need to work collaboratively in agile and multi-disciplinary ways, that they need to adopt agile ceremonies, be empowered to make decisions and focus on rapid prototyping, deployment and iteration.

What the hell? Has he tripped over a dictionary and swallowed it? What do we want? Agile Ceremonies! When do we want it? At an optimum point for delivery whilst maintaining product quality!

How do you convey this to local party members when they ask for help or advice? Iterate more! Deploy with more agility! What does it mean? do you want us performing somersaults as we post flyers through doors?

This absolute travesty passing for advice is what Labour staffers have been told they must do in order to make up for the job losses faced by colleagues. Evans admitted the key driver was a need to achieve a substantial cost reduction – no bloody kidding! Where has the money gone Keir and Dave? Corbyn left you with a £13m surplus! Blown on pay-offs to people who may or may not be badly incriminated in the never to be seen Forde Report, losing membership subs in droves as they attack the left of the Party ceaselessly, driving more members away from the party and pissing off the Trade Unions to the point some are considering disaffiliation, have withdrawn funding and are now even considering possible industrial action, since the way the party has gone about the layoffs, whilst recruiting more people on poorer terms and conditions, temporary, work-from-home contracts, is straight out of the Fire and Rehire playbook! Reports last month were that the Party was a single payroll away from bankruptcy, they’re certainly going to need to be more agile with their spending if they’re going to last much longer!

There is of course a way that we can put this nonsense to bed once and for all and that’s to make sure unratified Dave Evans, remains so. He cannot remain as General Secretary if he isn’t formally endorsed by Labour Party Conference happening next month and it really does depend how much the Starmer faction has stitched up the delegate selection process as to whether he’ll get the nod. A lot of people want him gone, not just over this latest, hilariously bad, incomprehensible plan for the Party going forwards, but as a result of his dictatorial instruction to CLP’s, walking all over the party rulebook, ordering them not to discuss things such as no confidence votes in him and Starmer, but also blocking solidarity votes in the perpetually suspended Jeremy Corbyn, for which he and Starmer will never be forgiven. The additional suspension of Ken Loach only adding to the contempt members across the country hold for the pair of them. We can give Starmer and his regime currently running our Party into the ground and into financial ruin a massive headache. Send Evans unceremoniously packing next month, let’s see how agile he bloody is then and see how well Starmer can rapidly deploy and iterate after that.

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